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Almost 16 years ago, my wife and I had recently began dating when I invited her to come to San Francisco with me. I was going out to attend Macworld as I did almost every year. And though we had not been dating very long by that point, I knew this would be a lifelong love. Thankfully, for my sake, she felt the same and agreed. It was a fantastic trip. One that I remember every detail of and likely will for the rest of my life.

Just before leaving for the airport to fly home, we decided to squeeze in some last-minute shopping. Amongst that we popped into the Old Navy flagship store in downtown San Francisco. As is my habit, I made a beeline to the clearance section to see what treasures I might find there. Lo and behold, stuffed at the end of the rack was this pea coat. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Not only had I always wanted a pea coat, but for Old Navy this one was particularly and surprisingly well-made. The sort of thing one might find in an Army/Navy store. Heavy wool, top shelf construction, a classic. But the kicker, the truly unbelievable thing, was the price — $10. Yes, you read that right, $10. A no-brainer.

I’ve worn this pea coat every winter since. It’s the most favorite thing I own. Not just because of its utility, the fact that it will never go out of style, that it’s built to last a lifetime, but also because I’m flooded with memories of that time — being so freshly in love with the most important person in the world to me and our first of many trips together.

Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of our first date.

I was wearing this coat when I proposed to her.

Today, as I do every year, I spent time cleaning it up with a lint brush and prepping for another winter together.

This year, at a time we can’t travel, these memories are especially precious.

And I have a $10 time machine that can take me anywhere.

World Mental Health Day came and went last Saturday. I failed to post anything about it. But it is not because it’s not a subject that I care deeply about; quite the contrary. I’ve written about my own personal mental health challenges many times before. I’ve written about what it feels like to live daily with a mental illness. I’ve encouraged others to tell their stories too. I could name a more than a dozen of people just off the top of my head who I knew personally who have taken their own lives due to their own mental health struggles. Finally, my oldest child is currently under state civil commitment for her own mental health treatment as she was deemed a danger to herself and others. I could go on and on about how personally this affects me and the people I love…

For me and so many others, every day is mental health day in our worlds.

As you may (or may not) know, I serve as a board member for Mental Health Minnesota. I recently became the board President (an honor I accept with pride). The organization offers free and anonymous online mental health screenings, referrals to treatment and services, and peer support. As you can imagine, they’ve been busier than ever, with so many people facing unprecedented levels of stress, anxiety, and depression related to COVID-19 and so many other recent events. In just the last three months, nearly 7,000 people have taken online mental health screenings offered through their website. That’s more screenings in just three months than during the entire year of 2019. Two-thirds of those taking screenings are under the age of 24, and many are looking for help. Use of the other services offered by Mental Health Minnesota has also increased. The Mental Health Helpline, which provides information about treatment and services, has more than doubled. And the Minnesota Warmline, which provides peer support for people struggling with their mental health, has seen a record number of calls.

You may have heard me talk about this organization before, or maybe some of you local folks have been to our fundraising events in the past; especially our annual event at Surly Brewing held in honor of World Mental Health Day. This is our largest fundraising event of the year.

Unfortunately, fundraising events are off the table this year because (glances broadly at the state of the pandemic), so I’m asking you to help me raise a little money for them

In honor of World Mental Health Day on October 10, we are seeking at least 100 donors to give $25 (the cost of a ticket for the Surly event in the past) between October 10th and October 16th to support our work. I believe that World Mental Health Day should be about making sure everyone has a chance to get the help they need, when they need it. But, the truth is, those of us that live with mental illness need the help organizations like this provide every day. I hope you’ll join me in making a contribution that will help so many by donating here. And if you want to learn more about Mental Health Minnesota’s work, I hope you’ll visit their website at www.mentalhealthmn.org.

I’ve heard many folks, including some of our Black Elders, compare and contrast the most recent protests against racial injustice and police accountability with the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s .

Making such a comparison is, frankly, ridiculous . We live in a different time with different technology and different circumstances and reasons for protest. The two are no where near the same. This is not that.

Now, I’m only 52 years old. I was not quite yet born when most of those early protest actions were going on. But, my Mother and Grandmother were very involved in them. They participated in marches and sit ins. They let themselves get arrested at “Whites Only” lunch counters and filled the jails next to their neighbors. I heard the stories in great detail when I was growing up. What was sacrificed for me, a Black child, to be able to go to a desegregated school. So, I know quite a bit, from first hand accounts, how those marches and sit-ins and jail-fills came to be.

They were organized by leaders in the movement (local and national) and planned months in advance. This was done in secret — in homes and church basements and businesses after close. Word spread around mouth to mouth to those who could not make it to the meetings. They decided how they would dress, what they would do, where they would go, what injustice they would target, when they would do it, who would be in the front of the march and who would be in the back. In what order they would take their seats at the lunch counter. All of it would be planned within an inch of its life.

It was not published in the newspapers. There were no flyers posted. It wasn’t even spoken about on a telephone (because in those days operators could and did often listen in). Because, if the word got out that something was going to happen, those doing the planning would be hung from a prominent tree as a message to the rest. There was little chance of word getting out of the circle of those in the know ahead of time, unless there was an infiltrating informant in the midst. That did happen from time to time and people got killed because of it. But, in general, a march or sit-in or other civil unrest action was not known by the wider world until it happened.

This is not the way protests are planned today. In fact, most are barely even planned.

To the extent these things are organized today, it happens online. Publicly. On a social network. It happens largely spontaneously. There are no leaders in the traditional sense. It’s mostly a critical mass. And while there is much power and speed in getting something together after, say, a Black man is murdered on video by police (which is also only widely known due to those same social networks), it is mostly spontaneous. There’s no real plan. No real coordination. Just a call to show up and make your voice heard.

Of course, this also means that those that wish to infiltrate an otherwise peaceful protest to commit violence, loot, and/or advance an agenda also know about it and show up too. They see the opportunity to ferment chaos and they use it. This is what they do. Thus, what was otherwise a peaceful protest becomes a “riot” in the eyes of all that were not there. What are otherwise the majority — citizens peacefully yet vocally demanding justice and equality — are lumped together with a violent minority and the message drowned out.

Now, are there lessons the current movements could learn from the past ones? Sure, there are always lessons to be learned from history. That said, the technology has change so vastly that the results, good and bad, would likely still happen all the same.

So, I get very, very annoyed when these two movements are compared without the context of history and technology considered. Doing so only serves misunderstanding and propping up straw-man narratives.

These protests are not those protests.

This is not that.

The project started off with a well defined scope. It was moving along slowly but suredly. then, the “WhileWeAreAtIts” started to creep in.

“While we have everything already moved out, we could install shelving.”

“Since the mattress that was in that room was no great shakes, let’s get a new one.”

”Let’s touch up the paint here since everything is over there”

”While we’re at it, why don’t we…”

Now, don’t get me wrong, all of these are valid things to take care of. They make sense both from a practical perspective and in the grand scheme of things. It’s just that these extras were not considered and accounted for in the project at the start. What should have taken X amount of time takes Y. What should have been done by now is not.

All too often, it’s hard to account for these things. You don’t tend to think of them or even see them until you do. Not until you are in the weeds of a project do the WhileWeAreAtIts reveal themselves.

Just know that, more often them not, when taking on a big projects the WhileWeAreAtIts will likely be there waiting to pop up. Do your best to adjust your expectations accordingly.

It’s on the 24 hour news channels. An everlasting mirror of who we’ve become. Gil said, “The first change that takes place is in your mind.” But now, our minds are all online.

We broadcast our loves and our hates. We retweet our support for our heroes and disdain for our enemies. We transmit every transgression and cancel those that fail to meet the mark. We all have cameras now, so we film the “Karens” and the cops. We are the anchors and the audience. Everyone is reporting live, local, and up to the minute.

We air what we’re thinking, who we’re voting for, and what we believe in. No investigation is needed because there are no secrets – only news not yet discovered. Any harbored thought not shared is deemed suspect. Your dreams are live in three, two, one…

All the news that fits the narrative of now, breaking and live, for the whole world to see. Delivered the way you live your life. Seeing the world as it is — not fair and unbalanced. We’re mad as hell and can’t stop taking in more and more of the feed. The ticker tells the tale of our discontent with it all.

When the screen is off it’s a mirror, reflecting a loneliness we can’t bear. Yet, when it’s on, it’s a mirror of a different kind, reflecting the humanity we’ve let slip away.

Gil said, “You have to change your mind before you change the way you live and the way you move…It will just be something you see and you’ll think, “Oh I’m on the wrong page.”

The real revolution, therefore, is not on the television or on the front page.

The revolution we need will be a buried lede.

One example? Maroon 5.

They released “Songs About Jane” independently when they were a LA club circuit band.

That 1st version is raw, funky, and damn near perfect.

After it became a hit, it was remastered and crap was added to make it more “radio”.

I own the 1st one.

“My people weren’t slaves. We were always free.”

That’s what my Great-Grandmother Handy told me while growing up whenever the subject was broached. I really didn’t understand it at the time. A young kid who’d been taught, as most people have in U.S. History classes, that if you were Black in the south and living in America pre-1865 you were a slave. But, my Great-Grandmother Handy was proud and adamant and we knew not to question or argue with anything she said. Therefore, I just took this statement at face value.

Now, my Great-Grandparents lived in New Orleans and even as kids we were made somewhat aware that not all Black people were slaves. New Orleans had a large Free People of Color community all through its existence and there are many folks in New Orleans that claim, some correctly and some incorrectly, to be descended from them. Those that claim this do so with a sense of pride (and more than a fair amount of class distinction). So, I just sort of assumed that’s what she meant.

As I’ve grown older, heard and read more family stories, and finally did some research of my own, I found out the real story behind the statement.

My Great-Grandmother’s Grandfather was a Blacksmith in Africa. He was hired by a plantation owner in Kentucky and his passage paid to come work for him. Yes, you read that right. He was hired — paid — for his work. He was not a slave. He came to America as a free man and was given “free papers” to prove it . So, he was free, with job and, importantly, the protection and guarantee of freedom granted by his white boss. In fact, he did so well for himself that he was able to “purchase” his wife who was a slave and, thus, set her free.

They had children and, the thing about “freedom” in much of the slave-owning US at that time is that it was “inherited”. In other words, if you were a free man married to a free woman then your kids would inherit that freedom (and the free papers that proved it). Thus, they would be free. If they, then, were able to marry a free or freed person, then their kids would be free and so on.

And now, you know, that my Great-Grandmother Handy told the truth. She was the descendent of free Black people. I recount this story today mainly to  recount that History is not binary — it is nuanced. That for every “fact” of history you will often find many exceptions. Not all Black people in the south were slaves, some were free.

On this day, Juneteenth, we rightfully celebrate the emancipation of those that were slaves in the United States. We celebrate our Brothers and Sisters for which bondage was a very real and traumatic thing. We celebrate freedom. But let us also remember that freedom is not, should never be, and should never have been a commodity, as it has been from this country’s very exception — like a coin of gold that can be passed down, taken or given by some entity, protected by an army, or granted to some and not others. Freedom is and should always be a human right. That is where we always should have been in this country. That is what this country espouses itself to be. That is the American dream we have yet to live up to. That is the promise we still need to keep working to achieve.

The Problem

I’m a Black man. Yet, for most of my life, in general people don’t see my Blackness. Therefore, I often feel invisible.

People see my light skin and green eyes and, frankly, don’t know what I am. So, they assume. In my experience, Black folks assume I’m either mixed-race or Latino. Latino folks assume I’m Latino. Middle Eastern folks assume I’m Middle Eastern. In my experience, White folks don’t know what to think. They know I’m not White but not sure what I am. I guess I’m just Patrick. I’m just just different. My Blackness is invisible.

And when I speak, I speak the Kings English. I can code switch when the circumstances require it but, for the most part, not even opening my mouth gives my Blackness away.

Being the son and grandson of long time Civil Rights Activists, growing up my Blackness was drilled into me. I was never allowed to forget where I came from — who I was and who my people were. I was never allowed to forget the many times my Mother and Grandmother were jailed during protests or sit-ins. I was never allowed to forget that our family knew the King family. That MLK was a close friend of my my Uncle Talbot (my Grandmother’s Brother) and was his roommate at Seminary in Boston. I was never allowed to forget that my people were in that fight next to him. I was never allowed to forget that the previous four generations of my family had gone to Dillard University, an HBCU, and that I would be expected to as well (which I did). I was never allowed to forget that their struggle and sacrifice was first and foremost for me. Not just for me but for my Blackness and my ability to operate with freedom and dignity within it.

The Privilege

So, in my mind, soul, and heart, my Blackness is alive and visible. Yet…

I’ve never been pulled over by police for little or no reason. Because my Blackness is invisible.

I’ve never been obviously and/or knowingly profiled. Because my Blackness is invisible.

I’ve found I’m often the only one in the room but not treated like I am. Because my Blackness is invisible.

So, while inside my Blackness is alive in me, so is the privilege I receive because my Blackness is invisible to most.

I’ve never knowingly been passed over for a job or paid less or treated differently in the workplace because my Blackness is invisible to most.

So, I’ve personally never experienced what so many of my Brothers and Sisters do, I have and still do experience what White folks do — privilege. The privilege of not having experienced those things because my Blackness is invisible to most.

The Problem

And, here in lies the rub… Many would read this and think I should be thankful for that. That, maybe, I should be grateful that my Blackness is invisible to most. And, this is conflicting in so many ways. The fact that I don’t reveals the problem with racism in this country. That it does have everything to do with a perception of Blackness. A perception based on superficialities. The color of skin and not the content of character as MLK said. The fact that I’m invisible, that my Blackness is invisible, reveals how basically silly it is.

Yet, here’s the other rub, the handful of times I have been pulled over by the police for very legitimate reasons (3 times for speeding and once for rolling a stop sign), I’ve been let off with warnings. Because my Blackness is invisible, my life was never in danger but…

I was terrified. Because while my Blackness is invisible to them it is not invisible to me and I know the moment it is seen I will be treated differently. Though I have no personal experience with such myself, I know that so many my Brothers and Sisters do. And the reasons they do is simply a matter of their Blackness being visible. And, because it is so visible to me, I figure it is just a matter of time before it is visible to, say, a cop.

Like I said, I live in and my life long experience has been in the privilege but because I know who I am and feel who I am, my internal emotional compass points to the magnetic North of the truth — that of being a Black man.

The Pain

But the most difficult thing, the most painful of things, is that my own Black Brothers and Sisters often don’t see my Blackness. My Blackness is invisible to them too.

Growing up, it was that I “talked White” or I “acted White” or I “dressed White”. Because of my light skin I was an “Oreo”.

Lately, it’s been when on a Zoom call full of white folks and there is one other Black person there and they make a comment about being the only one because they can’t see my Blackness, because on a call of more than 5 people my image is reduced to a postage stamp. Which I suppose is a metaphor for how I feel as well. Small. Not fully seen by my own Sister. My own Brother. My own race. My own people.

So, especially lately, I have to speak up about my Blackness. I have to make people see it. I have to make it visible to to everyone, especially other Black folks, in the way it is so very visible to me.

It’s painful and frustrating. Even though I’ve experienced this my whole life each time is like a stab in the heart.

Conclusion

I don’t have a tidy answer to wrap this all up. This is just a rant for now. A way to express a lifetime of frustration, pain, and a deep sense of feeling unseen. Always feeling both a part and apart.

But, ultimately, of asking to be seen and longing for a future where everyone is seen for who they are and it does not make any difference in how they are treated.

“If you are going for a job, and all the white people applying for that job have a high school diploma, you better have a college one. And if all the white folks have a college diploma, you better have a Masters. And, if they all have Masters, you better have a PhD.”

This is what my Grandmother told me. Growing up, I heard it over and over again.

In order to be considered equal (not “assumed” — because we never are and never have been — “considered”), we had to be better. For us, equal did not mean “the same”. It meant “better”. Because of the color of our skin, we had to be better just to be allowed in the room. To even have a chance. Just to keep our application from going straight into the trash bin.

I will note that my Grandmother had a PhD. As did each of her siblings.

She insited everybody outside of her family call her Dr. Southall. She never let them forget.