Category: post

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Vincent, one of the juggling and unicycle coaches at circus. One almost never sees Vincent still. He’s almost always practicing juggling.

For the first time in the 18+ years I’ve known him, it occurred to me to ask, “How much do you juggle every day?”

Well, I juggle for probably 1-2 hours a day if you add it up which is not necessary but I do it because I love it. I like to keep my hands busy. But, juggling is one of those things you can lose quickly if you’re not doing it every day. It’s better to practice for 10 minutes every day than to do it for 2 hours a day once a week. I can tell the difference between my students who only juggle when they’re here once a week and the ones that juggle fruit or something in the lunch line to show off to their friends every day.

I suspect there are a lot of things in life like this. Things that are better to do a little bit each day than to do a whole lot regularly. I’m going to make an effort to identify and pay attention to those daily things more.

One of the running conceits in the most recent summer show at Circus Juventas, Whimsy! involves Lady Licorice, played by Beatrix, becoming more and more annoyed that she and The Candy Sisters never get to finish their routine. Whenever someone enters Candyland, they have a welcome routine and it always seems to get cut off, interrupted, or the visitor doesn’t stay long enough to see it. It’s one of my favorite elements in the show.

For sixteen years now, our family has had a routine around Beatrix’s circus schedule. Weeks were largely structured around when she had circus classes after school. When we ate dinner together as a whole family and how were built around it. If I had to plan dinner for just Bethany and I and something else for Beatrix to eat between classes. When both Beatrix and I were at Circus in rehearsal for a show so Bethany was on her own. Pretty much everything in our lives was a complex scheduling Tetris around Beatrix needing to be at Circus. It was a routine that we never fully thought would ever be finished.

In the show, towards the end, Lady Licorice and The Candy Sisters do get to finish their routine and it’s beautiful.

This afternoon, Beatrix took her final bow at Circus Juventas. She got to finish her routine for the last time and it was even more beautiful than the first.

And, with that, we as a family have finished ours.

When Bethany and I first came together, I was a full time single dad to two children already. They were in their teens and, quite frankly, I was looking forward to to having a life with adult children living on their own and Bethany and I being able to have the “freedom” a child free life affords.

When we started talking about having a kid together, I was initially hesitant to the idea. Mainly for that reason. I wanted to travel and eat at high-end restaurants and go to theater and museums and all the other things I’d been looking forward to once the nest was empty.

I (obviously) ultimately gave into the idea of having another child with Bethany under one condition; we’d still do all those things — but we’d do them with the kid.

This is how we’ve ended up with an 18 year old that has been places and had experiences by her age that few will have in their entire life…

She’s seen several Broadway productions with the original cast including Hamilton and Hadestown. She’s even met some of those cast members.

She’s been to many of the world’s top museums. She’s seen nearly every Vermeer and Picasso and Monet and Van Gogh. She’s imitated the sculptures at The Vigeland Park in Oslo and The Rodin Museum in Paris. She contemplated the work of Jackson Pollock at MOMA and Hilma af Klint at The Guggenheim.

She’s eaten in Michelin star restaurants. She’s eaten at an all plant-based one down an alley behind an unmarked door in East Germany. She’s had a private behind the scenes tour of The French Laundry and of their gardens across the street and had steak frites a table away from Thomas Keller at Bouchon in Yountville.

She’s been to many, many, many countries — at least one International trip every year of her life. She’s seen musicals on London’s West End and underground mechanical performance art in Berlin. She rode horses on the beaches of Costa Rica and hiked glaciers in Iceland. She’s been to the birthplace of humanity in Tanzania and the world’s smallest pub in Ireland. She’s walked in the footsteps of Plato in Greece. She’s blown bubbles off the top of the Eiffel Tower.

She’s been to big gay raves as an infant and mythical forest creature themed raves as a young adult. She’s watched Taylor Swift on the Era’s Tour and Bandits on The Run at The 7th Street Entry. She’s been to concerts at giant stadiums and house front porches. She’s sung karaoke at dive bars and lip-synced at drag shows.

Honestly, I’ve only just scratched the surface. To say this young lady has had a full life would be a gross understatement. That is exactly how we planned it.

In one month we will be going on what will perhaps be her most life-changing adventure to date — we will be getting in the car and driving half-way across the country to deliver her to college. While I’m sure she’ll still travel with us from time to time and continue to have amazing experiences with us there, I also know she will be making a new life full of amazing experiences without us. We’ve set the bar high but know she has it in her to take it even higher.

This young lady who has already lived a lifetime has new lifetimes of her own to live.

I wrote this five years ago but can’t find where I posted it. It still holds true today so why not post it here, now?

My message for today’s celebration of America’s Independence…

The dream of the United States of America has never aligned with the reality of the United Sates of America. How we imagine ourselves to be has never been who we actually are. Does this mean we should not keep dreaming and striving for those lofty goals? No. And if we were ever to achieve them, we should engage new, more lofty, ones. But, to deny the recognition of these self-evident truths actually undermines our intentions to realize the undiscovered country of our declarations.

For if we declare the job “done”; If we have reached that mountaintop; if freedom for all was truly achieved with the declaration of our intentions and the subsequent amendments to our constitution, then what now should we strive for?

The answer is this: the work towards freedom, justice, and equal rights shall never be done. Even if achieved it requires constant vigilance to maintain. So, as we celebrate what we have, knowing there are those with less, we must re-commit to those values and push further.

— Jul 4, 2021

Before our daughter Beatrix was born, when we found out we were having a girl, Bethany asked me what I hoped she’d be like.

I said, “I hope she’s just like you.”

I feel like I’ve written enough about Beatrix here and elsewhere over the years that most of my longterm readers can probably imagine what she’s like.

I really meant it (and I’m glad I got what I wished for).

Bethany is, by far, the smartest person I know. The hardest working too. She knows a whole lot about a lot of things and uses every bit of it in service to the world.

She is sweet and thoughtful and generous with her resources.

She has opinions that are held firmly and fiercely defended. She holds those she considers friends in the same way. She is incredibly loyal.

Her wit is rapid fire. It cracks like a whip and can cut like a knife. Mostly, it makes me laugh. If someone could invent a weapon designed to make me fall in love that is hard coded to my DNA, it would work just like her humor and wit.

She rarely says no to anything that seems like an opportunity; to make our lives better, to provide for those she cares about, to make meaningful connections, to make a life — any life — a little bit better.

She is compassionate, loving, and beautiful inside and out.

But what has made our marriage as strong as it remains after two decades together it is that she’s an incredible partner. The way we are able to divide and conquer every daily duty and challenge that comes our way with grace and humor and love. But, most importantly, we remember to let each other know how much we appreciate that regularly and take time to acknowledge and celebrate how special that partnership is.

So, here’s a small public thank you to Bethany Gladhill in celebration of 20 years of marriage. She is the love of my life and I wake each day knowing the seemingly impossible will occur — I will be even more in love with her by the time my head returns to the pillow. Every. Single. Day.

Bethany, I love you most.

A subject that my mind has been unreasonably fascinated (dare I say fixated) on recently is this; no one really knows why we yawn. There are theories, of course — from one’s blood containing increased amounts of carbon dioxide in need of release to a body’s way of controlling brain temperature. Especially elusive is why it seems to be contagious. There are many theories but no definitive answer.

Something as common and basic as yawning is a mystery and I love this. I love such known unknowns. It seems like there should be a simple explanation for such a common benign thing , and yet it alludes even the minds of science.

This is true of many things, especially when it comes to the brain and human behavior. We know more about the far reaches of the universe than we do the depths of our own mind. This gives me a great comfort. I can’t really explain why. The best explanation is it makes me feel human.

Which leads me to wonder about the limits of artificial intelligence…

Because, as far as I understand it, it can only ever know what we know. Perhaps it can take all the disparate pieces of our knowledge and see connections and come up with new ideas and solutions based on these that we humans would be otherwise limited to. But, those limits of human knowledge correspondingly are the limits of AI. AI may be able to beat us in collective capacity and perhaps even speed of understanding, but its knowledge, or lack there of, is ours.

AI can’t tell me, definitively, scientifically proven and agreed upon, why we yawn. And it won’t be able to until we humans can begin to answer that question ourselves. Until we take all of the theories, do all of the testing, run it through scientific methods, and be able to say, with an overwhelming level of certainty, “We yawn because…”

So, this puny human will continue to obsess over and be delighted by the mysteries of our amazing brain and rest in the comfort that AI doesn’t know any more than we do.

At my daughter Beatrix’s school, an old money private college prep school, it has become a tradition to hang up college rejection letters in the Senior Commons. Personal details blacked out. Mostly, just the recipients name since these are generally form letters. A whole wall of “We regret to inform you…” and “We had an large number of qualified applicants like yourself but…”

All of the Ivy League schools are represented (Yale, Harvard, etc.). Of course, many of the top State Schools are too (Penn,The Ohio State, etc.). The various Institutes of Science and Technology as well (MIT, RIT, etc.). Basically, these are almost all schools you would have heard the names of. And though almost all of these kids do get many acceptances to and end up attending many prestigious schools, including many of the ones hanging on this wall, not every kid is accepted into every school. These are the ones that got away from them. The moon shots and far reaches or just the wrong boards in a bingo game.

I love this tradition. The kids do too. It is a way of dealing with disappointment and rejection that is healthy, cathartic, and even celebratory.

The school administration tried to stop it this year. I had a hard time discerning from them a clear argument why. They made some general handwaving about it being too negative. Some general Peanuts Adult whah whah about defeatism.

The kids pushed back. The teachers took their side and lobbied with them. The school counsellors (all licensed therapists/phycologists) supported them. They argued that this was an incredibly healthy way to deal with rejection. That it helps normalize for these high achieving kids that you can’t win them all. That sometimes in life, no matter how hard you work, the answer is still no.

The letters went up. A mini-museum of healthy failure.

Sometime shortly before Beatrix was born, Bethany being prescient asked me, “So if there’s a problem during delivery, do you stay with me or go with the kid?”

“What is this? This is like a Cosmo test, right?”

Does Your Baby Daddy Love You? Find Out With This One Simple Trick!”

“I stay with you, of course!”, I answered.

It was the wrong answer.

So when it came to pass that, after a long arduous labor, many attempts to get Beatrix to come out, finally leading to a c-section, and a heart issue was detected within the first few seconds, Beatrix was whisked away by the team of nurses to the NICU and I followed.

She looked like a prizefighter. One that had gone the full 12 rounds and won only by split decision. Her face was puffy and swollen, one eye a bit blackened, her mouth in a resting scowl.

So there we were, just staring at each other, her first 6 hours on this planet were just Beatrix and me (and the occasional nurse to check in) while we waited for various tests to be run. Bethany was not allowed to be in the NICU. Due to the c-section she was not sterile. They wheeled her down from recovery briefly, a couple of hours in, and I was allowed 5 minutes to bring Beatrix out so her mother could hold her for just a bit before being wheeled back.

It sounds so cliche to say that I remember it as if it was yesterday, because it seems like it was. It’s burned into my memory because for that tenuous six hours, unsure really what the heart issue was and what it all meant, I knew I only had one thing to do — look at her. Look at every eyelash surrounding her blue eyes, every tiny wrinkle on her hands and feet, even her sort-of-black eye.

Beatrix was wide awake too. Blue eyes darting all around intensely interested. A look almost of shock but likely wonder as to how it could be that she went from the relative comfort and security of her mother’s womb to… This! Bright lights and beeps and voices and whirring machines. From safety to life. Her heart may not be perfect but she was going to use every bit of it to survive. She was a fighter.

That was 18 years ago today.

And here is Beatrix now. Still rolling with the punches life keeps throwing at her and her peers. Covid and the George Floyd Uprising and now the Siege of her City. Still surviving each and every round. Keeping her guard up but landing plenty of good ones herself.

And here her Mother and I are, on the cusp of sending her once again from safety to life. Just as uncertain as to what the future will hold. Only certain that no matter what she’ll take every hit and survive every round and in the end the judges will rule in her favor. She trained her whole life for this. She’s a fighter.

It’s a thought that ran through my head while observing Lucio getting abducted. It went like this, “If there’s 6 ICE guys here detaining this one young man, what are the other 2994 I know are in the city up to at this moment? Where are they? What are they doing?”

The truth is I and the half dozen others that just happened to be there that moment were lucky. We were just in the wrong place at the right time. There were hundreds of detainments going on around the city at that same time that no one was around to film. There have been hundreds daily. For every detainment you do see on social media that happens to be caught on video, there are many, many, more where no observers were around to document.

It’s wonderful that little Liam Ramos was released. Because of the picture seen around the country and the world, pressure was high to right this injustice and a scathing rebuke and order by a judge was actually followed (this time) and Liam is back with his people. That’s terrific.

But what of the other 3800 children (and that’s only the ones accounted for) in similar detention centers? The ones without a photo going viral? What about the others at Liam’s school? The truth is that children are kidnapped and disappeared by these agents every day since this siege began. Most remain in detention. Most US Citizens who were born here. Who is going to fight for them?

But this is not all we don’t see. The woman who was arrested by ICE at gunpoint for peacefully observing and later rescued by the town Sheriff is lucky. There are many peaceful observers and protesters still in custody despite being detained unconstitutionally. But it’s not only them we’re not seeing. Pay close attention to this…

The woman’s husband eventually arrives and tries to intervene, and he made a separate recording of the interaction on his phone. He tells the agents not to search her car because they don’t have a warrant and it would be an illegal search. The agents appear dismissive of his constitutional concerns.

“I’m not getting into the legality of everything,” one agent responds tersely.

What we’re not focussing on is the ignoring of our constitution by federal agents. They do not have the right to search the vehicle (4th amendment) and have no warrant to do so. They are told this and yet do it anyway ( “I’m not getting into the legality of everything”). And what many outside of the city are not understanding is that this is happening hundreds of times a day. Doors are knocked down, peaceful protesters are being attacked, the right to bear arms is being questioned, Miranda rights not granted, etc. We have federal agents willfully ignoring fundamental constitutional rights over and over and over again.

We see the righting of one wrong while failing to see the hundreds and thousands of other ones. We see one kid returned while thousands more remain missing. We see one observer returned or released while hundreds more — US Citizens — remain detained. We see one law abiding neighbor abducted yet thousands more have been disappeared. We see one constitutional right ignored in one instance when it is standard operating procedure for the agents.

So for every video you see, know there are hundreds you haven’t. For every child taken, know there are hundreds more. For every right trampled, know that they plan to ignore them all.

Pay close attention to the things you don’t see.

The first of a few posts about the work here last year and my plans for the year to come.

These are the things I wrote that I’m the most proud of.

• Take good care of your body. After all, you only have one.

• I thought a lot about culture change. I still do.

• In fact, everything we call “culture” and “society” is built on one thing and one thing only; trust.

• I also thought about AI as a tool for learning.

• Are you leaving things better than you found them?

• Everything good in my life is because I have a policy of yes.

• Your path is your path.

• All I’ve ever aimed to be is a knower of things and it’s all the working world has ever wanted from me.

• Beatrix is the most astute art critic I know and gives a fine example of how we should think about art.