Category: post

Where is here, exactly? This is my new “second place”. A place other than my main personal site. That place is where my essay driven work will still live. This place is for the things that don’t quite have a place there for now. This is one step in an ongoing move to better organize and consolidate my online presence.

The Random Post used to be that place for me. It was a Tumblr site. It served this purpose well enough. But, I have come to a time where I want further ownership over my words and work. I want to ensure it has a long term place on the open web. Tumblr is not the place for that.

I also wanted a place for the very short stuff. The thoughts I post to Twitter. Those will now originate here as well. I want to ensure those have a long term place on the open web

I’m also piping my Instagram shots through here too. Once again, this is about ownership and trust. I want to ensure those photos will have a place on the open web long after Instagram is gone.

There’s a few more thoughts about this place, my other online places, and how I plan to proceed in the future and why. Those will come in near-future posts.

My personal site may, in fact, be designed in such a way that keeps me from blogging more.

I have an idea for a redesign and way to fix that. Need to let it germinate for a bit.

That’s what I’m currently working on. I think most of us know when we start one. A project that we will be remembered for. One that we can imagine on our tombstones.

That’s what I’m aiming what I’m working on to be. To change way the we talk about the challenges we face. To have that change drive something even larger. To make a lasting impact.

The first time I tried to kill myself, I basically went on a hunger strike. I woke up one morning and couldn’t get out of bed. I simply decided I wasn’t ever going to get out of bed ever again. I was going to just wait there and die.
The next time I tried to kill myself, I tried to slit my wrists. I have read somewhere the best way to go about doing it. As I laid there bleeding, I wasn’t afraid. I remember feeling the deepest sense of relief of my life.
I had been diagnosed as manic depressive (bi-polar) in my teens. I had lived with it under various forms of treatment my whole life. A series of events had led me to the point where I felt defeated by mental illness. I was in so much pain and loss that I thought dying was the only way out.
Today, I’m OK. Many days, it’s a lot of work just to be OK. Recently, it’s taken even more work than normal. And, that’s OK. I’ve spent a long time learning how to do the work I need to keep me alive. I don’t mind doing it because I have a lot to live for. I’m a survivor.
I bet you’ve been there or know someone who has. Odds are you’ve been touched in some way, shape, or form by mental illness at some point in your life. If you have, and you’re still with the living, you too are a survivor.
This past weekend, at Camp CoCo, I told a room of about 100 smart people the story of my life with mental illness and my son’s long and much more difficult fight with it. I had an outpouring of compassion and folks looking for ways to help do more.
This has me inspired and committed to take it to the next level. For me, for my son, for the too many friends I have lost to this fucking thing. Today is World Mental Health Day and I refuse to let the next one pass without seeing this through.
I’m brainstorming creating a non-profit around this. I’m not sure what it will look like yet (and am very open to ideas) but, basically, just like the language, compassion, and understanding around Cancer has changed from something one suffers to something one bravely and boldly faces with courage and support — I want that for Mental Illness. I want those of us who live with it daily, directly and indirectly, to be able to tell our stories with pride. I want us to OWN IT!
I’m looking for any help, suggestions, ideas, etc. on turning this idea into a movement. E-mail me if you’d like to contribute in any way.
But, the first and easiest way you can help is to share your story. Tell the world you’re a Mental Health Survivor. When you see and hear the stories of others say, “Me too”. Let us know you’re OK.

Birthday’s are hard when you’re hardly in a celebratory mood. I’m not much of a “big day” person anyway. I’m a bit uncomfortable when people make a fuss over me. It feels undeserving. I’m never quite sure how to react. Is a simple thank you enough for the well wishes and presents? It never quite seems so. So then I’m left unsure.
People who love to help others are often the worst at allowing themselves to be helped. I certainly fit that bill.
Thank you. Hundreds of thank you’s to the to the hundreds of little wings that have been providing us lift and supporting us through this. If you sent a note on Twitter or Facebook or email or did something concrete over the past week or so, this includes you. Even those who just thought about it and help us in their hearts and minds for a second. Thank you. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, sympathy, and support we’ve received through this.
One of the most surprising things about sharing this ordeal with others is the many people who have come forward with some form of a “me too” story. Whether is was a “crazy uncle” or a sibling or a parent or themselves. It seems everyone has been touched in some way by mental illness at some point in their lives — large or small. It certainly has helped me feel less alone, less ashamed, and given me more peace and comfort than I thought would be possible in a time like this.
But, it also tells me we have a health crisis. Just as everyone I know has been touched in some way by cancer, mental illness is equally pervasive and worthy of our fucks.
The best way I can think of for folks to help, especially those not local to me, is to give money, volunteer, and support local mental health organizations in your area. Especially those who lobby and advocate directly at the state legislative level. Locally, Mental Health Association of Minnesota is a great choice. There are others, too. And I’m sure there’s a few where you are. Find them, donate, volunteer, etc.
Mental health resources and care are extremely lacking in this country and all over the world. I can say with confidence and knowledge that my son would not be where he is if he’d gotten the help he so desperately needed and that we begged the system for. Our goal and hope now is that this leads to Maxim getting some semblance of the help he needs. I don’t know that I have enough faith in our system to rest on that hope but we will certainly do all that we can to try. Part of that, is doing what we can to fix the system. Maybe if we all did our part we can prevent more suffering and death.
We’ll get through this — because in life what alternative is there? One is either dying to live or living to die so the only reasonable choice is to survive and thrive. Your support is very much appreciated.

I can’t talk about this. Not in public, at least. If you’re a really close friend, and you’re local, and we’re face-to-face, and we have the time, maybe. But then, it’s still hard. It’s too much. Too fresh. Too painful. I’m too sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m ashamed. I’m racked with guilt and suffering and loss. For my son. For a system that’s broken. For lives lost.
I’m not sure how much more I could say even if I could. The investigation is still ongoing. The charges still yet to be filed. The preliminary hearing, still yet to be scheduled. I know as much as anyone else who happened to catch the local news does. Really. This isn’t like in the movies. The system is opaque and slow and confusing. They don’t tell anyone much unless they need to know.
I don’t know what really happened or how or why. Likely, no one else outside of those directly involved with the case do either. And even they likely will never get a complete picture because the only person who was there and is still alive has long had an illness that distorts the very meaning and understanding of reality. He may not even remember anything at all about it or it may have been a voice that told him or it may have been something he thought he was watching on television.
What I can say is that I’m barely holding on. This is testing the limits of my own struggles with mental illness. That which I have worked most of my life to manage. Through mindfulness practice I’ve been mostly above water for over a decade. But, I feel like I’m just treading water right now and I’m getting tired. If not for my wife and my daughter and my other son and his mother and all of of the other people I need to focus on and be "there for"… Well sometimes the best support one can receive is having others to give support to.
So, I’m not sure what more to say. He’s my son and I hope this leads to him getting the help he’s long needed. That we’ve long hoped he would. Before it came to something like this.
I need to be silent for a while. There’s not much I can talk about besides this and since I can’t talk about this that means I likely should avoid talking about anything in a public space.
If you want to reach out via email or message just to say hello or check in, that’d be great. I’ll try to reply.

I can’t talk about this. Not in public, at least. If you’re a really close friend, and you’re local, and we’re face-to-face, and we have the time, maybe. But then, it’s still hard. It’s too much. Too fresh. Too painful. I’m too sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m ashamed. I’m racked with guilt and suffering and loss. For my son. For a system that’s broken. For lives lost.
I’m not sure how much more I could say even if I could. The investigation is still ongoing. The charges still yet to be filed. The preliminary hearing, still yet to be scheduled. I know as much as anyone else who happened to catch the local news does. Really. This isn’t like in the movies. The system is opaque and slow and confusing. They don’t tell anyone much unless they need to know.
I don’t know what really happened or how or why. Likely, no one else outside of those directly involved with the case do either. And even they likely will never get a complete picture because the only person who was there and is still alive has long had an illness that distorts the very meaning and understanding of reality. He may not even remember anything at all about it or it may have been a voice that told him or it may have been something he thought he was watching on television.
What I can say is that I’m barely holding on. This is testing the limits of my own struggles with mental illness. That which I have worked most of my life to manage. Through mindfulness practice I’ve been mostly above water for over a decade. But, I feel like I’m just treading water right now and I’m getting tired. If not for my wife and my daughter and my other son and his mother and all of of the other people I need to focus on and be "there for"… Well sometimes the best support one can receive is having others to give support to.
So, I’m not sure what more to say. He’s my son and I hope this leads to him getting the help he’s long needed. That we’ve long hoped he would. Before it came to something like this.
I need to be silent for a while. There’s not much I can talk about besides this and since I can’t talk about this that means I likely should avoid talking about anything in a public space.
If you want to reach out via email or message just to say hello or check in, that’d be great. I’ll try to reply.

I’ve found, as I get older and wiser, my approach when it comes to deciding whether or not to upgrade my devices is increasingly like that I’ve read of Amish communities.
You see, it is not that the Amish shun modern technology. It’s that they take a very long, mindful, and considered approach as to what technology to adopt, weigh the pros and cons of how it might affect them, their homes, their communities, their way of life and if any of those trade-offs are worth it. Phones, for instance, are fine — as long as they’re not in the home and used only when absolutely necessary. And, if it’s not in any one home, then why not just have one phone in a central location that the whole community can use? So, one can see from this example that really what is at stake with the Amish approach is a question of true value — beyond the material — that every technology must pass and only applied in specific ways in order to be adopted.
Another thing I’ve learned about the Amish is there is also always the question of how a thing can be done as well or better either with an alternative technology or one that is already on hand… Do we need a tractor when we have a horse and plow? The tractor may be easier but what host of troubles does it bring? Then we have to buy gas and parts when it breaks and you can’t hook a buggy up to it and take it into town to sell pies and quilts. Then it’s noisy and disrupts the peace in the community and our neighbors. So, “easier” and “faster” are not things that always trump other considerations for the Amish. These are weighed against other factors equally. Better in one or two ways may be bad in too many others.
This is what has been coming to mind for me as yet another iPhone has been released. I’m still using an iPhone 5 that I, quite reluctantly, “upgraded” to 2.5 years ago. I loved my iPhone 4 but its decreasing battery life and increasing inability to run apps I thought “mattered” to me forced my hand to move up. The iPhone 5 continues to serve me well. That said, battery life and camera performance are my main concerns. I’m aware that upgrading to the iPhone SE would solve both of those in the same, handsome, form factor. That said, there are some thoughts that keep coming up for me…
Upgrading to the SE would mean a change of phone plans and additional cost. You see, when the carriers dropped the subsidized payment model — where you got the phone for “free” with contract — it actually allowed them to raise the price. Now, you either buy the phone outright or make monthly no-interest payments but you still pay the same monthly price for most plans as you used to when you got the phone for free. I’ve priced this out and, basically, what it means for me and my family if we take the monthly no-interest payments route is we will me paying about $40 more per month if both my wife and I upgrade. Kind of a big hike.
If camera and battery life are my main sticking points — if the performance and ways I use it are just fine — then there are other ways I can approach those. I could get a battery case to extend my life or even install a new battery myself — both for less than $30.00. I have a nice, small, lovely camera that I could use for those times when I wish the quality were better. Are there ways I could make it easier to take with me most places? Maybe a nice leather strap to keep it around my neck or a nice pancake lens so it slips easily into a pocket.
My point being that I’m considering all of my options in my considerations. If I have alternative solutions to my two main concerns that are less expensive, in many ways simpler, and solve the problem then why should they not hold considerable weight? Like the Amish, upgrading to something “better” does not always mean it is the best choice and sometimes that means using something that is considered old and outdated to the majority.

I’m asking, because it’s what I do. To some it may sound hokey or, to the skeptical, disingenuous, but it is really what I love to do — especially through my written work. Some may say it’s my personal brand. I like to say that writing is how I make this world better, friendlier, stronger place. The way that happens is this; if my words or advice can help just one person, even just a little bit, it makes them feel better. They, in turn, are more likely to help those around them, and so on and so on. Thus, the whole world gets a little bit better.
Perhaps, my books can help you. Get this one if you are looking to achieve a simpler or more intentional life. If you are looking for a more mindful approach to technology, this one is the one for you — even if you don’t use Apple products most of the ideas still apply. If you are looking for practical, actionable, advice on living, this one will help you for sure.
I’ve also published a book about writing (especially for an online audience) and one on meditation that anyone can do. These are meant to help too.
I also have a free newsletter that has been warmly received. The schedule, format, and topics are irregular but I’m confident that those that subscribe find something helpful show up in their email inboxes every once in a while. Take a look at the archive if you’d like to get a sense of what I write about there.
Sometimes, I speak to organizations and groups and try to help them. If you are a part of an organization or team that you think would benefit please let me know.
Finally, I now offer personal one-to-one sessions for those seeking my direct help, counsel, and advice. Rates can vary based on level of engagement. Get in touch to discuss pricing and details to fit your need and budget.
The bottom line is that I’m always looking for ways I can help others. It’s who I am. It’s what I do. Let me know if there is some way I can help you.