All Hail Beatrix, Duchess of Heckofalot


Duchess BeatrixHi. I am Beatrix Camille Gladhill Rhone, Duchess of Heckofalot, Potentate of Poop. I am not quite sure how I got here. As I remember it, one moment I was comfortable, the next, I was here. Mommy (The Princess) and Daddy (No official title that I can tell, but I suspect he is the Butler) tell me that Mommy was induced at about 11:30am on February 8th and labored with me for many hours through the night. She told me that it was very difficult and painful until they gave her the medicine. She says that the medicine helped a lot.

All I remember is that I kept feeling like I was getting squeezed through a very small passageway and, while I was certainly interested in the mystery of it all at first, after a while I got bored. I finally had to put my foot down, as it were, and say “I don’t care about your stupid passageway and, frankly, I am bored with this whole game and I am not moving another inch and I am Duchess Beatrix of Heckofalot so you can’t make me!!!” So, there I was. All night and into the next morning, I did not move for the stupidheads. I did not budge one centimeter. For six hours…

Then, the stupidheads played the dirtiest little trick. They opened up a big magic door at the top of the passageway and yanked me right on up and out. Februrary 9th at exactly 8:41am (I made sure I was taking notes so I could write this full report later). Can you believe that? The nerve. I was in such shock and horror over there blatant disrespect for the crown that I was speechless. I mean, I was such a mess and I was surrounded by all these stupidheads poking and prodding and wiping me off with towels and wrapping me up and shining hot bright lights on me like some peasants pie awaiting purchase. Don’t get me wrong. I mean no disrespect to Princess and her Butler but, you just can’t treat a member of the royal family this way. I let them know that. In no uncertain terms…

Eventually, after calming down and taking stock of my surroundings, I decided that this place was not too bad. After all, there are servants to cater to your every whim. All I have to do is snap my fingers or cry until I start turning blue and I can get what ever I want. Warm blankets. Pretty hats. Two big sacks of fresh food. Anything. Besides, this place has better art, if one can really call it that, then the last place. I mean, the avant guard expressionist study of the color red can get old no mater how comfortable one is. But I digress… My point is that I know the Princess and her Butler ( I certainly hope that is who he is because she is too pretty and smart to have “married down”) only mean the best for me and would not have brought me here otherwise. My safety, comfort and security are of the utmost importance. After all, I am the future ruler of all civilized people.

You may bow now.